Honestly, I didn't know my uncle as well as I'd like to think I did. I saw him a little more than occasionally, meaning on holidays and randomly when my dad would decide to make steak dinners. It's funny, though. Because even though we didn't hang out so often, my uncle Lars knew the perfect gifts to give to me on holidays and birthdays. On my birthday he gave me a picture with the five elements of Feng Shui in the original Kanji characters. I'm a freak about anything Asian, so the fact that he knew I would like it shows something.
It's saddening to think that some people I have met who were friends with him probably knew him better than I did. (Seriously, no offense to anyone I've met. I appreciate you all and I KNOW you loved my uncle, and you love my dad as well as Jeanne-Marie, and I can't thank you enough for loving them when I'm not there.) I know nieces and nephews aren't SUPPOSED to know everything about their uncles and aunts, though. My uncle loved me, and I loved him. Because blood is thick.
Even so, it kills me the most for not getting to know him because it was the same situation when my grandpa died. My grandpa died in 2001 (I believe) from Leukemia, and I've always regretted not getting to know him. And it's the same thing with my uncle Lars. It's worse because we knew he had cancer for a while before he died, and I didn't utilize all of the time I could have to see him more. Everyone has regrets, and that will always be one of mine.
I'm sad he's gone. I'm sad I didn't know him better. But I am mostly saddened for everyone around me. Especially my grandma and my dad. Especially especially my dad. My grandma was ready for the suffering to stop, and though my dad knew it was coming, he wasn't ready to let go of his (literal) life-long best friend. My uncle died on my grandma's birthday (isn't that some shit?) so that wasn't so convenient, but in a way, his death was a gift to himself as it was to her. He's in a better place, and she can take comfort in that fact. I'm sure my dad realizes this too, but I guess it's hard to actually wrap your brain around the fact that someone is gone.
Which brings me to my next point. My dad has a regret worse than mine.
A long time ago whenever Lars went to the doctor the first time for his problems, the doctor misdiagnosed him, telling him it was simply his hemorrhages. So he left it be, for a very, very long time. By the time his body had gotten worse, he went back to the doctor to find that he had stage 4/5 colon cancer. The doctors removed the large tumor with most of the cancer in it, but by that time it was already too late. There were spots of the cancer in other parts of his body. We went to different doctors after that, we even brought him up to Duke. But you know that when Duke can't do much for you, there isn't much you can do except wait. So, Lars did. He waited. He took chemotherapy for quite a while, but eventually he figured there was no point if he was going to be waiting either way.
My dad will always regret not getting a second opinion. Always. I think we will all have that thought haunting the back of our minds for the rest of our lives. The best I could tell my dad was that everything happens for a reason. There must've been a reason we didn't think to get a second opinion. Lars was a great man, and he deserved to go to heaven when he did. He's on to greater and higher things. Who would want to stay on this cruddy earth? He's with his father and grandparents now, and he's looking down on us hoping we will soon push through this tragedy.
My dad also told me that he was hoping for some kind of sign that Lars is around. Jeanne-Marie told him that she waited for signs like that with her family members (who also died of cancer) and that it just wasn't going to happen. I followed her statement with the fact that if Lars DID give him some kind of sign, he would be a ghost. He would be a lingering soul who hadn't gone to heaven, still searching for his purpose. I told my father he didn't WANT a sign from Lars. Eventually when time has passed and numbed our hearts it will be more comforting to understand this.
Bottom line: we all loved you, Lars. And you WILL be missed, every day.
PS, now that he's up in heaven, I always imagine him watching over me all the time, and I feel like he's judging my actions. I'd better spruce up! ;D
